Last year, as I was walking home and seconds away from turning the corner onto my block, I saw a young man on the phone, he looked like he had gotten the most devastating news. A few seconds later the news seemed physically shatter him. He threw himself on the gate, and he began folding into himself as tears streamed down his face. I knew I had to say something; I couldn’t just walk away in that all to familiar New Yorker “Let me mind my business” attitude.
His body language screamed defeat. I approached him and asked if he was ok? As he slid down the gate saying, “No! I’m not ok”, I humbled myself and joined him on the sidewalk. I spent the next hour talking to him. He told ME, a complete STRANGER his deepest secrets of trauma and abuse & that he contemplated suicide. I spoke to “K” and reassured him that he was brought into this world for a reason. “No way did you beat all those sperm cells in that race for you to not think you’re special”. The more I spoke to this young man; it was easy to realize how smart and gifted he was.
I was blown away as he told me he tried to get help at a mental facility, and he felt they didn’t help him, and released him. I told him that the medical system can be f*cked up, and not to give up, because there’s always other places he could get help. I tried to make him see his worth. We talked about numerology, the impact the media has on art, the culture shock of moving to a new country, family, the taboo of black people seeking mental health, and most importantly self-love and making time for you, and the things you love.
“ I can’t stress how important seeking a therapist is! No they don’t have a magic pill that will fix your problems. No, they don’t do the work for you, and no, all your problems won’t be fixed unless you put in the work! A counselor’s job is to be give you an objective perspective while nicely calling you out on your shit. They give you tools, and you decide how you want to implement them in your daily life.”
I invited him to wait for me in my lobby, as I ran upstairs to use the bathroom. I KNOW-- I KNOW? You’re probably asking “How could she invite a complete stranger into her building?” At that point I could feel his positive energy and decided to go with my instincts. Before I returned downstairs, I could tell he had been self-medicating so I returned with water, napkins, and a banana.
I could’ve judged him and looked down on him, But how would that be beneficial to him? If you’re going to make the decision to listen to someone you must be willing to put your feelings to the side, and be humble. That night I was supposed to get home earlier than I did, but a classmate and I got on the wrong train. I was kind of baffled by the train situation because, I couldn't comprehend how out of all the times I've taken said train; we would choose this night to go in the wrong direction. Now I see that everything happens as it should, and that the universe, and God are truly amazing.
Unfortunately, I had to use the bathroom again (which I think was brought on my nerves), and by the time I returned he was gone. I'm sad because I didn't get to offer him resources, or exchange numbers. I sincerely hope that I made a lasting impression on him, and that he never doubts his self worth again.
I was hesitant in writing this post because I didn’t want to feel like I was benefitting off of someone else’s trauma, but I felt compelled to as a sense of releasing for myself, and encouragement for others. I can't stress how important seeking a therapist is! No they don't have a magic pill that will fix your problems. No, they don't do the work for you, and no, all your problems won't be fixed unless you put in the work! A counselor's job is to be give you an objective perspective while nicely calling you out on your shit. They give you tools, and you decide how you want to implement them in your daily life.
Maybe the next time you see someone in distress, step outside of your comfort zone, and ask him or her if they're ok (as long as you feel safe in doing so). You never know what impact you'll have on them. Most of the time folks just want someone to listen to them-- nonjudgmentally. If they don’t let you in, simply say you’re not alone, and keep it moving. No harm no foul.
As a doula, and support person I’ve been introduced to different resources to being (unofficial) counselor, a role we often take on by circumstances dealing with Intersectionality, trauma, and systematic oppressions. If you learned anything from my encounter please remember that sympathy and empathy are two different things. I'm forever grateful that I had the trauma, and mental health training because I wouldn't have known how to react, and may have just walked on by.
Resources for trauma and suicide:
Please comment below if you know more
Mentalheathfirstaid.org - free 8 hour mental health training offered all over NYC, teaches you how to assess for suicide and other illness but not how to diagnosis.
Samaritansnyc.org
Crisistextline.org
Seleniinstitute.org
Hiddenwatersnyc.com (restorative justice circle healing)
Suicidepreventionlifeline.org
therapyforblackgirls.com
Psychologytoday.com
NY Well – 888-692-9355 text WELL to 65173
Chat NYC Well